Lately, I have this blog... Why? I am not sure... I have been busy... but that isn't the excuse... I guess I have felt like I have said most of what there is to say... I love being a mother... and each day I watch this girl grow and I continue to be amazed... However, it is trying, and exhausting... by 6 or 7 pm in the evening, I am absolutely exhausted.... At 14 months old, Mackenzie is everywhere into everything... and absolute dare devil... She never lets you let your guard down... There are days I want to cry because she doesn't listen... She is smacking the other kids in the head, taking their toys, and then when all else fails just plain out right yelling in their ears.... I feel like I am in a constant battle every day all day long... I love this kid so much my chest hurts when I think about it, but discipline has to be the hardest thing ever... You can't just let it go one time because then she will do it again thinking she can get away with it... so you have to correct her every time and trust me, it takes multiple times to get her to listen... I've been through all the Child Development classes and seen all the stages and try to keep those in mind... I also try to keep in mind that she is only 14 months old that she is going to be a kid and that I need to relax some... but I don't want my child to be a brat and occasionally she is at home... when we are out... she is sssooo good... which I am thankful for... I guess I never truly realized just how hard being a mother of a toddler is...
With that being said... as frustrating and exhausting as it is, it is also so much fun... every day we play and talk, and she is learning so much. Her vocabulary is expanding daily. Watching her see and experience new things with such and innocence and joy are so humbling... It makes me realize how much we take for granted and how much we need to slow down and see life through our children's eyes... I try to be a better person for her and the other kids... but I fail epically some days... Sometimes I am sarcastic and grumpy... and I recognize it but it's hard to stop... I just keep praying for strength everyday and those days are less and less... although my husband doesn't think so ... ;)
I read whenever I have chance... I love it... I want to write one day... and I have great ideas... and every time I try to put them on paper... I erase them... I don't like them... I critic them so much... I know I am self-sabotaging myself because I am scared of the failure that could come... however... I can't help it... so until I can overcome my fear... I'll just have to keep trying and logging ideas...
From the moment Mackenzie was born, I wanted to stay home with her... I didn't for the first two months and I was miserable... and once I did... I started loving it... Now some days I am just tired and frustrated... and it's not with her.. I love being home with her... while it isn't what I thought it would be...my house is still not spotless.. my spring cleaning hasn't been done this year and probably won't get done because I refuse to give up sleep to clean... but I am with her almost all of the time... I am teaching her... I am experiencing everything...and I love that... However, I feel like I'm not good enough... I could be better... I could lose more weight so I don't get as tired when we are playing... I could write a book and try to publish it contribute more to our income... I just feel like I am not doing enough behind the scenes... and my feelings are completely unjustifiable... I know this.. and they are unrealistic... My husband is happy... he never makes me feel less this perfect... I am just playing mind games with myself... which is something I must work on for myself and Daniel, and Mackenzie...
The last two months have been eventful... Allison graduated... I couldn't be more proud of her... We went on a camping vacation for a week... which was fun... as well as spent a weekend at my cousin's house on the river and spent a day with some awesome friends... I must say that we have been blessed with some wonderful people in our lives... I am thankful everyday for that... and when I think of that... nothing else matters!
(For some reason every time I try to upload pictures it tells me there is an error... so I will add them later!)
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