Avoiding...

Lately, I have this blog... Why? I am not sure... I have been busy... but that isn't the excuse... I guess I have felt like I have said most of what there is to say... I love being a mother... and each day I watch this girl grow and I continue to be amazed... However, it is trying, and exhausting... by 6 or 7 pm in the evening, I am absolutely exhausted.... At 14 months old, Mackenzie is everywhere into everything... and absolute dare devil... She never lets you let your guard down... There are days I want to cry because she doesn't listen... She is smacking the other kids in the head, taking their toys, and then when all else fails just plain out right yelling in their ears.... I feel like I am in a constant battle every day all day long... I love this kid so much my chest hurts when I think about it, but discipline has to be the hardest thing ever... You can't just let it go one time because then she will do it again thinking she can get away with it... so you have to correct her every time and trust me, it takes multiple times to get her to listen... I've been through all the Child Development classes and seen all the stages and try to keep those in mind... I also try to keep in mind that she is only 14 months old that she is going to be a kid and that I need to relax some... but I don't want my child to be a brat and occasionally she is at home... when we are out... she is sssooo good... which I am thankful for... I guess I never truly realized just how hard being a mother of a toddler is...

With that being said... as frustrating and exhausting as it is, it is also so much fun... every day we play and talk, and she is learning so much.  Her vocabulary is expanding daily.  Watching her see and experience new things with such and innocence and joy are so humbling... It makes me realize how much we take for granted and how much we need to slow down and see life through our children's eyes... I try to be a better person for her and the other kids... but I fail epically some days... Sometimes I am sarcastic and grumpy... and I recognize it but it's hard to stop... I just keep praying for strength everyday and those days are less and less... although my husband doesn't think so ... ;)

I read whenever I have chance... I love it... I want to write one day... and I have great ideas... and every time I try to put them on paper... I erase them... I don't like them... I critic them so much... I know I am self-sabotaging myself because I am scared of the failure that could come... however... I can't help it... so until I can overcome my fear... I'll just have to keep trying and logging ideas...

From the moment Mackenzie was born, I wanted to stay home with her... I didn't for the first two months and I was miserable... and once I did... I started loving it... Now some days I am just tired and frustrated... and it's not with her.. I love being home with her... while it isn't what I thought it would be...my house is still not spotless.. my spring cleaning hasn't been done this year and probably won't get done because I refuse to give up sleep to clean... but I am with her almost all of the time... I am teaching her... I am experiencing everything...and I love that... However, I feel like I'm not good enough... I could be better... I could lose more weight so I don't get as tired when we are playing... I could write a book and try to publish it contribute more to our income... I just feel like I am not doing enough behind the scenes... and my feelings are completely unjustifiable... I know this.. and they are unrealistic... My husband is happy... he never makes me feel less this perfect... I am just playing mind games with myself... which is something I must work on for myself and Daniel, and Mackenzie...

The last two months have been eventful... Allison graduated... I couldn't be more proud of her... We went on a camping vacation for a week... which was fun... as well as spent a weekend at my cousin's house on the river and spent a day with some awesome friends... I must say that we have been blessed with some wonderful people in our lives... I am thankful everyday for that... and when I think of that... nothing else matters!


(For some reason every time I try to upload pictures it tells me there is an error... so I will add them later!)

Hard to believe....

April has been crazy busy... After April 1st, each morning I would get up and think about the countdown of Mackenzie turning one... It has came and pasted... and I'm in awe... I surprised myself and did not cry on the morning of th 17th... by the time I woke up at 7:20am... Her birth time had pasted... She came at 7:12am :) She smiled at me... Of course she doesn't understand at this age what her birthday means... but I do... and I was excited for her... The day of her birthday Allison cooked her dinner and I made her a cake and she opened a few presents...

But Saturday the 20th was her party... Looking back now I want to cry because I can see how loved and blessed this little girl is... I know how much she means to me and Daniel and how she brightens our day but to be in a room surrounded by family and friends who love her just as much... is such a blessing... The party was a success and she was a ham!! She is so outgoing... Her personality is blossoming into something pretty spectacular! Most days I am in awe of her!  It was so wonderful to have family with us who hadn't seen in four years... They finally got to meet our wonderful little girl and fell just as in love with her as we are... It was amazing to see four generations of a family in the same room and everyone was there... It was such a blessing! While I know she can't remember it... I will make sure she has plenty of pictures to look back on and know how blessed and loved she is!

So now that the excitement is over... we have much in the next two months to embark on... Allison's graduation... and family vacation... I am so excited for her... Not mention we are entering the world of the toddler stage... I can't wait to see her learn to talk more... get more teeth... and just continue to grow into such a wonderful young lady... I know that it will not always be easy... She is stubborn and has a bit of temper... but it's okay... because we push through... I feel like I am writing a eulogy... and in a way, I suppose I am... While she is still little and needs her parents... She is no longer a baby... She is a small child... and it's hard to realize that... She doesn't need me to feed her anymore (even though there is a big mess when she is done!) She doesn't need me to help her with so many things anymore... She is fastly gaining independence from us... For me, it's bittersweet and exciting...

Struggling... is okay...

It's peacefully quiet... Mackenzie and I should be getting ready for church at nine... however my sweet girl is still sleeping, and I hate to wake her. She had a huge day yesterday... So we will wait and go to Sunday School at 10am... or maybe not... I'm just laying here listening to her breathing beside me. Mom and my sister breathing in another room, and my husband and father snoring in the living room... We stayed with my mom and dad last night... I feel refreshed this morning... well a little sore and achy... My sister's bed isn't all that comfortable... (Sorry Allison!) and I didn't sleep much... but I still feel refreshed... and while I laid here this morning and fretted about waking her and going to church... I prayed about it and realized that while I love taking my sweet girl to church and I love being in the Lord's house, but when she will sleep in, I need to let her sleep... I can pray and read the bible on my own, which I am horrible at reading the bible but I am honestly trying to get better at doing...

This refreshed feeling is very welcoming... The past week has been a struggle... We had a beautiful day last Saturday and then rain on Sunday, but still not bad... Then it got cold again and it was cold and Snow again on Thursday evening... It all melted on Friday, Thankfully... However, the dark and gloom has been rough on my thought process...  on top of being stuck in the house on Spring Break for the kiddos...Mackenzie is turning into a beautiful, happy soul... UNTIL... she doesn't get her way, or is extremely sleepy... Then it's game on... and I can not begin to tell you how many melt downs we have had this week... She is becoming a climber... She tries to climb into the play pen... out of the play pen... on top of toys... up shelves... and anything she deems necessary to climb... So all day it has been constant redirection... By 7pm, I am exhausted... mentally and physically... I know when Daniel gets home he is exhausted too... but I just want a break... but on top of all her mischievous quests during the day... She is once again teething hard core... (we still have NO teeth at 11 1/2 months!) I think the two on the bottom in the front are peeking through... However, I'm not getting my hopes up! LOL... So she doesn't want to go to sleep at night... One because she wants to climb on everything... and two because her mouth is hurting... Now I know that you are thinking I should give her something... well teething tablets no longer seem to help... Orajel works for a short period... We give her popsicles and frozen bananas... but she won't chew on frozen washcloths or teething rings anymore... So while I do try to provide as much relief as possible... I'm sure she is still in some small amount of pain... I give her a dose of Tylenol at night to help with the pain and it seems to help... So while we have the same bedtime routine... It has been taking me anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours to get her to go to bed... By which time, I am thoroughly exhausted...  She is still the most terrible sleeper... So we are up a couple of times a night, and then we are back up at 7a-7:30a to do it all over again... Not mention.. She has decided that just walking is no longer sufficient for her... so she wants to run and now has two large scratches on her face from falling... :(

I know I sound like I'm complaining... but I'm not expressing how rough this past week was... A lot of blogs and things you read are all flowery and about how wonderful everything is... Don't get me wrong... My daughter is my heart and soul.. My reason for breathing... She makes me want to be a better person because I know she is watching and learning... But sometimes... a Mom needs a break... and I was completely feeling this way all week... I NEEDED A BREAK! I am Mackenzie's caregiver 24/7... which is what I wanted... and I love doing... but this week has been very trying... It made me realize again that while I love my daughter and doing things with her... Sometimes I need a moment to be just myself and not have to chase a little one... I used to wonder how parents could just leave their child with a babysitter and go out... Now I know why... So yesterday, my mother came and got Mackenzie around 11:00am... and kept her until around 3:00pm... and it was so peaceful... Allison helped me complete the decorations for her party... I then was able to shower... alone.. and without rushing because she was screaming for me and wanted nothing to do with Daddy despite him trying everything... Afterwards, we went to the store... then returned home and walked to the Park and she went down the slide, and swung... but really liked playing with pine cones more... and Mackenzie was happy to see me, but I was able to be the more relaxed mother for her...

Every night this week, I prayed for God to help me through the gloom that had settled in and to help give me the patience, I needed... There was an author... and she was discussing her book called, "Carry On Warrior" and she said to mother's out there... Other people are telling you to enjoy every moment... and honestly when the kids are melting down... it's hard... but instead try for at least a few great moments everyday and you will not feel as stressed out, because it's impossible to enjoy every moment... and I found her words comforting and understanding how I felt... It took my guilt away because I knew I needed a slight break... and that's okay...

So this starts a new week... and I feel back in control... the glum is gone... and I want to continue to be a better mother... and I feel that I can now that I understand everyone struggles... and it's not a job that you can do perfectly all the time...

Am I?

Every morning I watch the Today show... really it's just background noise while Mackenzie and I eat breakfast and wait on my baby sitting kids to get here for the day... Each day they talk about the current events... I watch... I consider myself semi-informed... My husband often talks about these events and worries about going to war and the economy... We discuss these things... well I mainly listen... While I admit some things may be very worrisome... They are beyond our control... I voted for who I felt was the better candidate... and he lost... So here we are... My thoughts are that I will just put it in God's hands and his will will be done the way he sees fit... Right now, we have a roof over our heads, food on our table, and a steady paycheck that covers everything we need... I use to worry whether or not my lack of feeling or extreme opinion on politics makes me a shallow person... My strongest opinion at most time is lukewarm... I just can't make myself worry or argue about things I can not physically change... I am in no situation to tell you your opinion is wrong... so does this make me a shallow person? Do I have no depth to me because I'd rather read a sappy romance novel then a political novel?

I've struggled with this question alot lately... However, I've came to realize... I can be fiercely passionate when it comes to those I love... I worry about things in my control... and how to fix them... I have a very overactive imagination.... which comes in handy while playing with my crew... I am strong minded and strong willed in situations I do feel passionate... especially when it comes to my daughter... So while I may have lost the desire to go out and be a breadwinner and make executive decisions everyday... I have found that I love trying to teach my daughter how to talk... I love playing pretend with her... I love reading the same short story to her 20 times in a row... So while I would rather watch Blue's Clues or Sofia the First than CNN... and I'd rather worry about what my daughter eats for dinner than whether there is gonna be another war... I have figured out that I am not shallow and weak minded... I am exactly where I want to be... I am exactly where God wants me to be... I am first and foremost a mother and then a wife... and I wouldn't have it any other way!

My how time flies!

So it's been over a month since I wrote a blog... but most days there just are not enough hours in a day... I'm currently holding my sleeping teething sweet girl as write this... However it's getting much harder to do anything with her on my lap because she is getting so long... I can not believe how tall she is... We are snowed in with about five inches of snow so it's been a lazy day in our pajamas! I can not believe in 11 days she will be 11 months old... I remember being pregnant and miserable at this time last year... and we were moving... So while most moms are able to clean and nest for the new baby... I was trying to organize the house, and work full time... Daniel was a huge help and we accomplished everything before she came... I have started to plan her birthday party! I decided to go with a Blue's Clues theme because it's the only cartoon that she will sit and watch... She laughs and points at Blue and claps her hand... It is so cute... So I felt Blue's Clues was fitting for her first birthday party... Not mention I'm excited to see her dig into her smash cake with Blue icing! lol

My little sister turned 18 on the 20th of February! At her party, Mackenzie stole my plate and ate a ton of icing and had it all over her.  I think she will have a blast in her smash cake... She started walking around her 10 month milestone... and she now is walking most places with her little 'Zombie' walk as we call it... because she keeps her legs stiff... She babbles all the time...  She says words... then won't repeat them or laughs when you try to get her to say them... She is usually smiling and truly just brightens my day... Most days we just sit and play all day... and nap during nap time...



















We still have no teeth :( She will teeth for weeks... then just stop... I can't feel any knots on her gums... They get white sometimes but that's about it... So when she decided at 10 months old that she wasn't going to eat baby food anymore... I was at a loss... I mean she adamently will not eat it... She smacks the spoon out of my hand and screams if I try to feed it to her... She wants whatever is in my plate... She will let me feed her if it's in my bowl... especially if it's potato soup... I cut up everything in small pieces and she feeds herself... but somedays she won't eat at all... all she will do is drink formula... Somedays I truly feel like a failure when it comes to getting her to eat... Some days all she will is carrots... I struggle with fresh ideas about what to feed her because she doesn't have any teeth... I never ever thought it would be so frustrating to feed a 10 month old... but it truly is...  I don't want to raise a picky eater... However, I'm nervous to give her most foods because she has no teeth...

At the end of the day though, she seems happy and doesn't scream because she is hungry so I am assuming I'm something right! She seems so well adjusted and while she can be bashful when she is sleepy... She doesn't usually meet a stranger as long as I'm close by! I am so proud of her and she is becoming so independent... so as sad as I am about her first birthday approaching so fast, I am so excited to see her grow, learn, and develop her personality!

 

                               Mom, I'm really tired of listening to Miranda Lambert!

 

I just want to fix it....

Last night, my heart broke for my baby sister... She will probably kill me for writing this but I have to get it out... Growing up, I tried to protect her all the hurt in our home... I would stand up to my father and try to make him see the error of all his ways... I would try to push my mother to leave... I finally had to accept after years that it was not my relationship... I could not change any of it... I just had to accept it and know that I wanted nothing like that relationship... At one point, I had verbally abusive relationship, and I finally got out of it... Now I have a wonderful husband who treats me like a queen and while we disagree sometimes because we are both stubborn people, we are happy and I thank God everyday that I met such a wonderful man!... Anyways we were watching the Superbowl and my dad mentioned that Allison and him were going to Myrtle Beach Bike Week... and then my mother told him that prom was scheduled for that Saturday... He blew up and started yelling at her... It was beyond Allison's control... It's her senior prom... I don't understand how someone can be a parent and so self-centered at times... Honestly, he should wait until next year when she is in college and go. It would be easier to coordinate... Then I found out that he blew up about the cost of her prom dress... Allison is a good girl... She is such a wonderful young woman... She is gracious, and kind...  She has a big heart and so much love to give... She rarely gets in trouble... She is a 4.0 student... She is an all state athlete in three sports... I mean she is truly amazing... I am so proud of this girl I can't even put it into words... She is absolutely beautiful on the inside and out... Whenever we have went Prom dress shopping, it's always about the cost of the dress... So what if she loved the way the dress fit or looked, if it was over $200 it was out... This dress was $184... by far not unreasonable in my opinion, especially considering the amount of money my father makes... I walked into the bathroom because she was giving Mackenzie a bath because she was covered in sucker lol and she just started crying... My heart broke... She said she wasn't going to do either... I just rubbed her back and told her to not let him get her down... She deserves to go to her Senior Prom that he was just being grumpy...

He should never have made her feel terrible about wanting to go to Prom... She will be in college soon and then working... She should be encouraged to be a teenager and enjoy this night... She wasn't asking for an $800 dress... before I left home, I would have told him about himself and we would have had an all out war... but as I said I had to learn to accept them for who they are and not try to change them... while my heart breaks for her.. I can't fix it... I can't fix him... I can't change it... all I can do is be there for her to help her in everyway I can... I've been in her shoes... He has tore me down before... and still does occasioally... but the difference is now that I can leave... I have my own home and family to go too.... I don't have to stay under his roof, but she still does... I told her she would be going away soon and it would good better... I know that doesn't help for the now, but it gives her hope...

Don't get me wrong... I love and appreciate everything my father has done for us... However there are alot of things that I don't like and I don't have to respect them... I know that I am very similar to my father in a lot of ways, however I refuse to ever make my daughter feel horrible about such a big event in her teenage years... I never want Mackenzie or our future children to feel like they can't ask us for something... I don't ever want them to think of Daniel or me as a tyrant as I often did growing up... I pray to God everyday to give me strength to be a better person and a parent and I know that he will answer my prayers and help me to grow into the person I want and need to be!

Once in a Lifetime

As a stay at home mother, you'd think I would have all the time in the world... However between making sure all the kids are fed, that pottied, or are playing nicely, I feel entire days slipping by without touching that growing pile of laundry... Most days I somehow manage to cook dinner (I love the crockpot and pinterest recipes) and some nights I manage to get the kitchen cleaned up... Other nights my husband does the dishes after working all day... He even will tell me how wonderful frozen pizza is on the days that is all I can manage to make... He truly is my love and soulmate... I often feel terrible about not having a spotless house, but then I stop and look at Mackenzie. She is truly mesmorizing. She is usually smiling and always looks to see if I am watching. She devours all of my attention. She is blossoming and so incredibly smart. She learns something within a matter of hours. I look into her beautiful blue eyes and nothing else matters anymore, because there will always be laundry or dishes, but this is once in a lifetime.